How Do I Know I’m Submissive?on January 29, 2013 at 12:52 pm
At about 26 years old I read a fantasy in which I identified with one woman who was dominated by another. This was my first conscious connection to anything like this, though in fact earlier fantasies (both endogenous and exogenous) incorporated submissive elements. I memorized that story. I did not draw any conclusions at that time…
However, a couple years later with Martha things changed; we would have these moments during sex when D/s realities and feelings would just rise up in us, and that’s when I really took notice. More than anything it was a look in the eye, which is to say it was essentially psychological. We might elaborate from there, but that’s where it began.
There were painful things in learning to accept this, and it was quite emasculating, but I embraced it eagerly – no doubt being trans was a factor! I could not allow myself to transition at that time, but I could go for losing my “patriarchal privilege!” In that sense being sub enhanced my ability to come to grips with being trans, and smoothed the psychological transition as well. The opposite role was harder for Martha to accept, however; it was as though the dominance in hir was so strong as to be overwhelming and frightening.
For the longest time Martha and I were “switches.” I would say, “I want to be your slave,” and ze would look coldly at me and say, “then make me your slave.” And I would. When ze had some positive experiences as a sub, ze began to be more accepting that there was a loving energy in domination. Several years before I transitioned we reached the point where ze was always dominant; teasing suggestions that I might be dominant were dismissed summarily. I still like to tease though, now and again, because it’s fun to have such pretensions “dismissed summarily.”
For example, the endless irony of Martha transitioning 4 years after me leaves all sorts of room for teasing. Just a bit ago ze kissed my toes lightly, basically just about to say goodbye, and I liked it and said, “mm, you kissing my toes seems so right – I do believe in female domination, you know.” Meaning, of course, that as woman I would dominate “him.” Ze came over and kissed me, authoritatively, and pinched a n*pple. “Sort of,” I gasped in delight. Ze stood to leave with a little smile, saying, “right.” I had teased and received a “tug of the leash;” all was well with the universe.
Of course, when we thought I was the man and ze was the woman, I really did believe in female domination… All the labels and categorizing; really, it’s all so amusing. But being aroused, and orgasms – those are real.
There are places where I can be dominant and enjoy it. But yeah, I can tell I am submissive, and in the end it’s no different from the way anybody else can tell that they’re aroused – because they’re aroused! I’m not submissive because I’m a whimp or a failure, which is only true in some ways, I’m submissive because it arouses me and I like being aroused. I would RATHER be aroused.